Dane's letter to a high school crush:

* Names and places have been slightly changed - just enough to keep it out of the courts...just.

 Dear my sweet Zelda,

As I sit here in my darkened attic, typing on an old dusty computer powered by a smack-addict named Garry peddling a bike like he's being chased by angry hookers, I can think of nothing but you my sweet dear, tasty Zelda.

I miss you my love, but the shrine to you I have created in the attic keeps you alive in my big, big heart. I spend at least 30 minutes a day (in dog time), masturbating.....I mean praying, in front of the shrine. Let me take you through the shrine sweet cheeks (may I call you sweet cheeks?).

It consists of a framed blown up picture of you eating a hotdog, which is surrounded by lit candles and mobiles made from locks of your hair as well as a full scale clay model (well, lets just say its clay) of your pretty "raccoon like" head.

Underneath, is a wooden treasure chest full of mementos from our time in school together my sweet. Let me share contents of "Zelda's Box"...actually, give me a minute, ooh there's an image...better reach for that pair of your old undies to wipe myself down. That's not creepy is it?

Anyway, here's what's in the box:
 
- The letter you gave me in high school that fateful day at the train station. That letter (now laminated, for obvious reasons), broke my big, big heart. That day a cloud descended over my life. I cried for days in my room, eating nothing but cheetos (I had orange fingers, ORANGE FINGERS!!!). I don't understand why
you did it, my sweet? I thought we had a special connection, the kind of bond shared by only couples deep in love or by prison inmates. A spiritual connection as deep as the state of hypnotic super-consciousness I slip into whenever I think of you (many say it's the lack of medication, but I know its because of you). I mean I don't blame you, I know you were trapped in a loveless relationship you couldn't get out of.  You probably wondered why the bastard mysteriously disappeared two weeks after you gave me the letter? You're welcome. It's the least I could do. Actually, it was surprisingly easy to lure him to a cabin in the woods and into a bath of kerosene (I told him it was champagne). Many say that you didn't actually have a mean boyfriend at all and that the man I killed was a random stranger, but I guess that's for the courts to decide.  The important thing is that you are safe and that one day you and I will live happily ever after.  And no more pesky boyfriends will stand in my way - I have plenty more cabins and "champagne" left.

Anyway, here's what else is in the box:

- The pen you used in school, complete with chew marks, left by your sweet, perfect molars. I kiss the chew marks every day and every now and then let the pen travel down to my special place for a bit of "doodling".

- The stapler you threw at my head one day in English. I know you were just trying to get the deadly viper-bee off my shoulder. You're so considerate...

- The note pad you wrote in during class. I know you were writing things about how sexy I was. Those pages must have been ripped out though...

- Loose skin shavings.

- Belly button lint.

- Locks of your hair that I use to floss.

- The compass you tried to stab me with while yelling "DIE!". There was a deadly scorpion on my shoulder.

- A half eaten muffin you were munching on in English.  Is that why your friend was calling you "muff muncher"?

- All the debating speech cards you wrote on. I still smell your scent.

- The metal ruler you threw at my head...to get the spider....

- 5 restraining orders. Your way of saying you love me.

- 4 of your bras, including that red lacy number. I also got an oversized one, but I think that belonged to your rather big Aunt. Funnily enough, that one fits me now.

- The power cord you tried to hit me with. I didn't notice a deadly bug on me that time.

And that's "Zelda's Box" - and what a pretty box it is.

Anyway, I must wrap this letter up - Garry's getting tired. But I thought it was important for me to write this to you after the letter you wrote for me.

I'm sorry I haven't written earlier, but I've only just regained full use of my hands after getting third degree burns from your boyfriend's "champagne" bath (I didn't realise at the time that I didn't need to be in the bath as well).

But, good news - now that I'm fully mobile again, I can climb that tree outside your house and keep an eye on you to keep you safe.
 
I'll write again soon my love. Looking forward to the day we are finally together. I've already picked out the wedding dress - not sure what you're going to wear though....

Take care sweet cheeks.

Love Daney-Waney.