I was five years old and about four weeks into my first year of BIG SCHOOL. She was my teacher, Miss Hamond. A beautiful and tall (by my standards at the time) woman with the kind face of an angel and whom I loved her more than little lunch itself. I dreamt of marrying her. We would live together in a tree house so impressive that it would have made Robinson Carusos tree house look like the first nest of a one eyed and slightly retarded bird. We would stay up late (7:30ish) eating lollies for dinner and then retire to our bunk beds with matching racing car bed spreads. There she would give me a peck on the lips and tell me how clever I was and then from the bottom bunk she would read me a chapter from the faraway tree. Yes life sure would have been good.

That was the plan. In hind sight I see that our love was never to be and for a vast majority of the relationship that followed this one would set the precedent of heartbreak and betrayal.

It was big lunch. The oh so beautiful Miss Hamond was on playground duty and I was following her around.  Randomly darting in front of her (like an idiot) for no reason at all and loving every minute of it. It had been raining and there was a lot of mud around but that didnt stop us. She kept on duty and I kept on darting.  On one of the dart bys my foot came in contact with some mud and then on one foot I slid for about two meters in front of her. I thought I was gone for sure but no, with a look of shear panic on my face I regained my footing and darted off. Chris one, Gravity zero. Miss Hamond shrieked with excitement and congratulated me for not falling over.

I was thrilled. Not only because I had impressed her but because she had given me an insight into what type a lady she was. She liked thrill seekers, she like bad boys. Desperate to show her how much of a bad, thrill seeking boy I was, I took off to find some more mud puddles that I could slip through. Unfortunately for me by the end of big lunch it was Chris one and Gravity seven.

 I turned up to go back into class covered in mud and looking like a dwarf wino who had shat himself left right and center.  Miss Hamond was not impressed. In class it was story time and because my pants were far too muddy to sit on the story time mat I had to take them off and sit in my underwear. Thats when it happened. Thats when she laughed at my Mr. Men undies and thus causing all the other boys and girls in the class to laugh at them. I was devastated. I was extremely hurt but most of all I had been betrayed by the woman I loved.

These days I sometimes lie in bed wondering what shes doing now. Has she moved on? Is she married and living in an amazing tree house somewhere or is she ripping little boys hearts out with her novelty underwear criticisms.

I guess Ill never know.